The Random Blog

2004-02-17T02:29:00.000Z

And I just remembered. I fixed her fucking computer, free, and didnt bat an eyelid when I didnt get so much as a Thanks. I can't belive somehing as small as crossdressing fucks it all up so much.

*is a flaming ball of hatred*

2004-02-17T01:27:00.000Z

Well, I guess I'm on one again.

Good news is that I calmed down prior to blogging enough to write coherently and not overuse the expletives.

However, I now chronically overuse the return key.

Basically. the parent of someone very, very close to me found out I was a transvestite today. and promptly banned her from talking to me. I really, really cannot express how this made me feel. the typical knot in the stomach. I was fucking physically trembling. I really was a mess.

If I'd have kept it in I could've used it all. go home, be self destructive for a bit. Do it a few times.

I played with a vein in my wrist too. Then I wrote about it on the net, I must be attention seeking.

One day. ONE fucking day I will be rid of all this shite. All this hypocrisy. And I'm not saying I'm free of it. I'm thinking some very hateful things right now. For the first time for a while, I want to die.

ONE FUCKING DAY I will be rid of it all. one fucking day, you mark my word. Some days, I'm a fucking highschool shooting waiting to happen. But no thats bad. so I'll just do myself instead. GRRRR.

do I win a prize for most fucked up blog?

And I've been so happy today, up until that. Someone PLEASE tell me this isn't real.

But on the plus side. My all time hero Jeff Minter was comforting me on IRC.

http://www.yakyak.org/viewtopic.php?t=14939 , if you're interested.

Jesus. I cannot articulate my feelings at all.

I'm going to pop.

2004-02-15T13:09:00.000Z

Aaah, Another day. we wake, we do, we sleep.

Today, I'm feeling really spaced out. Don't know why.. I was just gazing at steves lava lamp and stuff. and like..whee. Now I've got some trancey songs and milkdrop and I thought of something profound so I thought I'd blog.. but by the time I got here I forgot it. I dunno, I was going on to someone about digital perfection.. the sillicone makes a clear cut and perfect distinction.. its so perfect, so sheer, so marvellous. and we, by contrast, have a lump of mush that we don't have the collective intelligence to figure out properly.
So we reverse engineer it, and prod it with analogue input to stimulate the release of chemicals, wich affect our being, which lie to us about the world... Mmm, prodigy, make me think I am in a space not bound by the laws of physics, with the centerpiece of a mans head, cut in half, yet with his brain still intact... the whole album gives me that 'mind is glowing' thing. its so nice, its so pretty. it releases the right chemicals and lo, a happy alan. but why.. when it will all turn to dust and we'll all fall down (obvious clue/song referance number one).
Its the whle hunter/gatherer thing that really annoys me. I feel like I am a 486, that has had a stupid amount of cooling attatched, and overclocked to stupid speeds that I can't quantify. Relationships aren't meant to be there. Breasts aren't meant to be there. Evoloutions way of saying 'you really shouldnt do that, but here, have some boobies to help'. All this shit isnt supposed to happen. We are all supposed to go out, kill, eat, fuck, and sleep. and most definately not analyse ourselves to this extent.
so why do I? Who knows. maybe its to find out the very reason why I crave the analysis. maybe its just an all-consuming curiosity. maybe we are just trying, very,very, hard, to tell ourselves that the time of Man is not over.

And I still dont know what I forgot.

2004-02-14T19:27:00.000Z

Right. its today. last night I slept for like, 20 odd hours straight. What the fuck? I mean I woke up after like 10 hours, realised I had no net connection, and went back to sleep.
I think I have major lifestyle issues. I've spent the day trying even more to convince myself that I shouldn't get back together with my ex. I mean, it aint working. Blah. kill em all.
And I been chasing Rachel again. Who told me she was 'going for a meal with her mate'. Or boyfriend methinks.
I really get fustrated by all this sometimes. I mean, I have to obsess over something.. and I can't obsess over girlies because they tend to shit themselves. So I obsess over computers, over code, over that kinda stuff. Then I slowly realise that I've become so receeded that I can no longer attract girls. Blah. Since I finished the whole becky thing, I've realised that while I was with her my social skills were actually diminishing. I mean. I tried chatting rachel up with a combination of the Monty Python lumberjack song, and asking 'do you think i'm a twat'. sometimes, I'm realy glad I don't know what happens in my cranium.

Looks like my plan to go see arnie and escape from the shit has failed miserably. I'm still miserable, I'm still geeky, I'm still socially retarded, and I still keep texting rachel. And I still keep getting texts from becky. Aaarggghh... I hate people. I really really do. its like... SIGO... sanity in, garbage out.

On the techy front, I've finished the dual athlon beast, and found out why no fucker makes decent dual athlon servers. The motherboards are all utter and absolute shit. No 66-mhz PCI. no onboard scsi. no abilibty to change motherfucking ram timings. Argh.

Well, thats an interesting blog post. Spose at least I didnt mention 'I'm going on a mad killing spree'. Oh, bugger.

2004-02-14T19:23:00.000Z

Right, looks like the blog works. Lets put some stuff here.

I'm not totally sure why I'm creating a blog. I've always been against making a blog for the simple reason that then people can see it, and read all these personal feelings.

However, one of my friends casually mentioned that he blogs 'otherwise his head explodes'... and since my head has been pretty close to exploding recently, I thought I'd give it a bash.

So here goes.

2004-02-14T19:22:00.000Z

Right. Time to start a blog.